Update...

Lillian has had a pretty good weekend, and she seems to be feeling better overall. Tonight she walked five steps the refrigerator door-just like her Mommy she loves to eat. Shaun and I are just so thankful that she is on the mend and hopefully we will continue to see improvements in her motor skills soon.

Friday night I couldn't help but replay the events of last week over and over again in my head. I couldn't help but think of how close we came to being diagnosed with such a life altering disease. I just kept thinking about sitting in that oncology clinic and thinking, "but I have done all the right things...I have taken all the extra precautions to protect my baby". I mean for God's sake I will only use glass bottles, and stainless steal sippy cups just to avoid any kind of plastics that might contain BPA. I make sure that she eats a fruit with every meal, and that she drinks exactly 21 ounces of whole milk a day. I breastfeed her for a year, because I thought that it was the healthiest thing that I could give her. I religiously clean her ears- for some reason they are freakishly waxy. I can count on one hand how many times Shaun and I have left her with someone other than one of us. I am funny about monogramming her full name on anything because I am convinced that behind every corner lurks a pedophile, and I do not want them to be able to call her by her name. I have been on time to the day with all of her vaccinations... I sat in that clinic feeling like I had done everything that I could as a Mother to keep her safe and yet somehow I still failed.

When those results came back negative I cannot tell you the joy that Shaun and I felt. I don't think that I really let myself experience the real emotion of this last week until after we had gotten home on Thursday. I had to keep it together for Lillian and for my family, but now I just feel like I am drowning in what could have been. All I can do is remember that God already knows the trails and challenges that we will face, and that I have to trust that He will never give us more than we can shoulder.